Do you know a teen who struggles with self-confidence? If you parent or work with teens, you likely answered “yes” to that question. Teens today face a range of challenges that can significantly impact their self-esteem and confidence. As they navigate school, friendships, family expectations, cultural perceptions, and the rapidly changing world around them, it’s common for them to experience self-doubt.
Teens are great at masking their self-doubt. As a result, they may appear to “have it all together” even when they don’t. This means that many teens see their peers as confident and comfortable and believe they are alone in their struggle. This feeling of isolation and comparison game can further deteriorate their confidence. But the perception teens often have that they’re alone in this struggle couldn’t be further from the truth. Most teens experience self-doubt or a lack of self-confidence in some part of their life at one time or another.
As parents, educators, and mentors, fostering authentic self-confidence in teens is one of the most powerful ways to help them thrive. Building self-confidence isn’t about boosting a teen’s ego or inflating their self-importance. It’s about empowering teens to build the skills and resilience they need to navigate life’s challenges. It’s about equipping them with the tools to overcome setbacks, helping them calibrate their expectations, and, yes, allowing them to fail! Here are five ways to help teens build self-confidence:
1. Focus on Competence: Mastering Skills Through Practice
One of the most effective ways to build self-confidence is by helping teens develop competence. Teens have a strong drive to be independent. Much like the toddler who desperately wants to get themselves dressed without help, our teens want to take care of themselves, make decisions for themselves, and navigate challenges independently. Our job is to help teens prepare for the independence and autonomy they seek by helping them build and hone the skills they’ll need. These include, but are not limited to, interpersonal skills, organization and time management skills, decision-making and problem-solving skills, and other things necessary for self-sufficiency.
Research by Carol Dweck, psychologist and author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success emphasizes the importance of a growth mindset coupled with a focus on effort and perseverance in the development of competence. Dweck’s studies found that individuals who believe their abilities can be developed through hard work (versus those who think abilities are fixed) tend to perform better and experience greater success over time. What does this mean for teenagers? It means that with hard work, they can learn the skills and behaviors they need to succeed. Our job as parents, teachers, and mentors, is to help teach them those skills.
Parent tip: Think about one life skill that doesn’t come naturally to you or that you’ve had to work on developing. Talk to your teen about that journey. Sharing your own vulnerability will give your teen permission to open up and share theirs. It will also model for them that skill building takes work.
2. Encourage Resilience: Bouncing Back from Setbacks
Self-confidence doesn’t come from avoiding failure but from learning how to cope with setbacks and moving forward. What does this mean to parents, teachers, and mentors? Rather than focusing on preventing failure, we need to focus on preparing teenagers for it. Resilience—the ability to bounce back from difficulties—is a critical component of self-confidence. Teens who see failure as an opportunity to learn and grow are more likely to maintain a positive outlook and try again after a setback.
According to research by the American Psychological Association, resilient individuals tend to have a strong sense of self-worth and are better equipped to handle stress and adversity. In contrast, teens who struggle with resilience may avoid challenges or give up easily.
To nurture resilience, help teens develop problem-solving skills and teach them that failure is part of the journey to success. Discuss with them how setbacks can be valuable learning experiences and help them reframe negative events with a constructive mindset. For example, if a teen does poorly on a project or exam, focus on what they can learn from the mistakes they made and how they might prepare differently next time rather than emphasizing the mistakes/failures themselves.
Parent tip: when your teen struggles or stumbles, help them learn to accept the situation and focus their energy on the path forward. Rather than dwelling on the challenge, help your teen see it as an opportunity for growth and learning.
3. Accept Failure and Imperfection as Part of the Learning Process
Fear of failure can be a significant barrier for teens, often preventing them from stepping out of their comfort zones or pursuing meaningful goals. Reframing how teens view these outcomes can significantly reduce anxiety and foster self-confidence. Focusing on the process rather than the fear of failure not only reduces anxiety but also boosts motivation. Encouraging teens to adopt a “learn through doing” mindset helps them embrace challenges and take risks without becoming paralyzed by the possibility of setbacks.
This process-focused approach shifts the emphasis to what teens can control—such as their effort and attitude—instead of fixating on uncontrollable outcomes. By fostering resilience and adaptability, teens are more likely to explore their potential and develop a sense of accomplishment regardless of the result. This mentality equips them with tools to face challenges constructively and builds a foundation for lifelong learning and growth.
Perfectionism is another significant hurdle for many teens, particularly in today’s social media-driven culture, where the pressure to appear flawless is relentless. This unrealistic expectation often leads to anxiety, burnout, and diminished self-worth when reality falls short of idealized standards. Perfectionism is also closely linked to depression and low self-esteem, compounding its negative effects on teens’ mental health.
Encouraging teens to embrace imperfection and see mistakes as valuable learning opportunities can profoundly impact their well-being. Teens who adopt this mindset are better equipped to cope with life's inevitable challenges and cultivate a healthier sense of self. By shifting the focus from unattainable perfection to personal growth and resilience, teens can develop the confidence and skills needed to thrive in an unpredictable world.
As a parent or mentor, it's essential to model this acceptance of imperfection and show teens that mistakes are a healthy and normal part of the human experience. Encourage them to take risks without the fear of being perfect. Teach them that growth comes from trying, failing, and then trying again with new knowledge and experience. Another way to model this healthy relationship with imperfection is to share your own mistakes, foibles, blunders, and failures with your teens or students. Demonstrate to them that it’s ok to make mistakes, and model for them how to own those experiences, learn from them, and move forward.
Parent tip: Make a habit of sharing your failures as a family. Asking everyone at the dinner table to answer the question “how did you fail today?” can raise opportunities for conversations about our failures, big and small, and can mitigate the shameful feelings that often accompany failures. By participating in this conversation with teens, parents can model the idea that failure is just part of life (and can even be something we can laugh at if we’re vulnerable enough).
4. Encourage Reasonable Risks and Independent Problem Solving: Stepping Outside Their Comfort Zone
Self-confidence often grows when teens step out of their comfort zones and take reasonable risks. Whether it’s trying out for a team, speaking in front of a class, or asking someone out on a date, these risks help teens expand their boundaries and realize their full potential. Adolescents who engage in new and challenging experiences build confidence in their abilities and become more adaptable to future challenges.
Encouraging teens to take calculated risks helps them develop problem-solving skills, decision-making abilities, and a sense of accomplishment. It's important to emphasize the value in the process of personal growth, regardless of the outcome. By taking risks, teens learn to navigate the uncertainty of life and understand that the outcome of their efforts doesn’t define their worth.
When teens are facing difficult challenges or problems, encourage and empower them to solve their problems independently. Solving independently doesn’t mean they can’t consult with you or others as they work through how to solve them. But, ultimately, let the teen own the process of grappling with the problem and determining how to move forward.
Parent tip: It’s easy to jump in and start to problem solve when our teens share a challenge or problem with us. Rather than jumping into problem-solving mode, ask your teen “how would you like to resolve this?” or “what would you like to do about this?” or “how can I be helpful?” Sometimes, your teen just needs a place to vent frustrations and then they can accept the situation and move on. Other times, your teen will want to talk through possible paths forward. Either way, allow your teen to drive the decision about how to move forward.
5. Focus on the Process: Building a Strong Work Ethic
Another way to boost a teen’s self-confidence is by promoting a strong work ethic. When teens commit to working hard and seeing tasks through to completion, they gain a sense of control and accomplishment. Teens with a strong sense of self-efficacy — those who believe that their actions can lead to desired outcomes — are more likely to engage challenging work, persist in the face of challenges, and ultimately succeed.
Encourage teens to take on challenges and practice regularly, showing them that competence is earned through consistent effort. Praise the process (e.g., “I’m proud of the effort you put into this project”) rather than just the outcome, as this fosters a healthy attitude toward skill development and resilience. Help teens connect successful outcomes to the effort and process that led to them.
Parent tip: when celebrating one of your teen’s successes, emphasize the work it took to get to that successful outcome. Praise the work ethic and specifically identify the steps your teen engaged in. For example, “Congratulations on winning that race. Your performance today was the direct reflection of all of the work you’ve been putting in, getting out there and running day in and day out, even when it’s cold and rainy. Your hard work and persistence really paid off!”
Conclusion: A Holistic Approach to Building Confidence
Building self-confidence in teens is a multifaceted process that requires intentional focus on developing competence, fostering resilience, accepting imperfection, encouraging risk-taking, and promoting hard work. It’s a messy approach, but by creating an environment where teens are encouraged to grow, make mistakes, and learn from them, we set them up for long-term success.
By nurturing a teen’s belief in their abilities and empowering them to overcome setbacks, we provide them with the foundation to navigate life’s challenges with confidence, determination, and a positive outlook. With the right guidance and support, teens can learn to see their potential, embrace their imperfections, and take the steps needed to achieve their goal of being independent, autonomous individuals who are ready to embark on their own journey in the world.
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